My irrational disdain for Canada

I can’t explain it, but I don’t like Canada.  I suppose that Canada is a nice enough place.  The parts of it that I’ve seen have been pretty.  The places that I’ve seen though have been those places very close to America, so that’s understandable.  I guess they’re pretty anyway, I’ve only seen pictures.  In order to see it in person I’d have to travel further north than Dalhart or (gasp) go to the northeast.  My self imposed 1000 mile no-go zone around NYC, Chicago and Seattle causes some serious problems for making it to Canada.

So if the pictures are true, the Canadian border is pretty.  But I’m pretty sure everything more than 50 miles from the American border is a frozen wasteland.  In fact, I have it on good authority that the cold parts of Frozen were based on the Canadian interior.  And that weird little snowman was based on a Canadian.  Which Canadian you ask?  All of them.

See?  That’s what I’m talking about.  I had no reason to say that about Canadians, but I did.

On a side note, don’t send any angry emails about how the United States of America is not the same place as America.  I understand the monikers given to the land masses formerly known as Pangea.

But let’s get real.  When I wake up every morning, put on my aviators, and sing God Bless America no rational person thinks that I’m beseeching God’s blessings on the gang infested desert to our south or the maple syrup factory to the north.

And if I’m traveling and tell someone that I’m from America they know that I mean the USA (unless I’ve arrived by donkey or dog sled, in which case they might be understandably confused).

I think that my irrational disdain for Canada stems from the fact that I know two Canadians.  Real live I-was-born-in-an-igloo Canadians.  And I like them.  They’re both friendly, hard working, conservative people and I consider them both friends.  And that is why I don’t like Canada.

Seriously.  What are the odds that I’d like 100% of the people I meet from Canada?  I don’t like 100% of any other group of people, regardless of how you categorize them.  And so my two Canadian friends make me suspicious.  I haven’t noticed that their eyes are particularly shifty or that they’ve stolen any trinkets from my home, but I like them too much to trust them.  And if I can’t trust my friends, why on earth would I trust their fellow countrymen?

God bless you all.  And God bless America.