I’mAGiver’s Guide To Hotel Survival

I enjoy traveling with my family.  I like seeing the boys get excited about staying in a hotel and watching cartoons on cable (which we don’t have at home) and I love having a shower that never runs out of hot water.

But it’s no secret that I’m also unreasonably paranoid about staying in a hotel, likely due to all the spy – secret agent – secret double spy agent movies that I’ve watched in my life.  An enjoyable day of driving and playing the alphabet game with the boys instantly turns to deranged thoughts of Russian assassins as soon as I walk through the sliding glass doors of a Hampton Inn.

Since I’m such a giver, and since I want to make sure that each of you always survive your road trips too…I’m going to share I’mAGiver’s Guide To Hotel Survival.

First, since you know who you’re dealing with (German Nazis or Russian Ne’er-do-wells) it’s important for them to know who THEY’RE dealing with.  That’s why you’ve gotta establish your dominance right up front.  And so I recommend the following:

• When talking to the receptionist they’ll usually ask you what kind of car you’re driving.  That’s when you ask them, “What kind of car are you driving?”  Then you just give a wry smile and chuckle-saying, “It’s OK, I already know.”
• When they ask what kind of room you want, tell them that you’ll take any room- “as long as it’s above the lobby…..no the office (looking around them to the office area)…yeah, right up there (pointing to the ceiling behind them)”.

Doing this will make sure that they know they’re dealing with a highly trained operative.  A potential ninja assassin warrior.

Remember how Mission Impossible (the first one) began?  THAT WASN’T EVEN A HOTEL ROOM THEY WERE IN!!!  How do you know that the Marriott you walked into was really even a hotel?   It might be a giant warehouse set up by the KGB!  And we all know that it’d be almost impossible for the KGB to set up an entire warehouse full of fake rooms, so you’re gonna have to get at least 7 different rooms.  Remember, opposite ends of the hotel and different floors, EVERY different floor.

If you can’t afford seven different rooms I recommend that you walk up to your room and check it out–go back downstairs and demand to be switched to another room at the opposite end of the hotel on a different floor–then do that seven times.

Once you get into your room you’re gonna have to check it out.

We all know that mirrors in hotels aren’t real, they’re actually two way mirrors so that the Nazi’s can spy on you.  Since we know that they’re spying on us, it’s important to let them know that we know, and thus they’ll know that we know that they know that we know.  Hitherto and theretofore.  You can accomplish this by walking up to every mirror in the room (and even the TV), peering into it intently, tapping on the glass and whispering over your shoulder “Yeah, they’re here.”

What if you’re alone?  Should you still whisper over your shoulder when nobody is with you?  OF COURSE YOU SHOULD.

And let’s talk for just a minute about looking through what we all know is really a two way mirror because this is a tricky thing to pull off without looking like a buffoon.  If the Italian mobsters are standing on the left side of the mirror and you’re looking intently at the right, they’re gonna know that you really don’t know what you’re doing.  I can hear them now…  “Ah Mario, we shouldn’t be worried about this crazy American.  He’s not even looking at us.”  “Yes Luigi, you’re right.  I think he tried to hack some of the tips from I’mAGiver’s Guide To Hotel Survival.  He should have paid more attention!”

That’s why I recommend looking up.  Quickly dart your eyes around the room on the other side of the mirror and then saunter the length of the mirror, looking toward the top of the mirror.  Until you’ve honed your skills for years like I have, it’s doubtful you’ll actually catch the gaze of your would-be killers so don’t even try.  If you look up it’ll make them wonder what’s going on above them…..  Was he saying “they’re here” about us or about Jason Bourne rappelling onto the roof from a helicopter?

Lastly, learn some Chechnyan.  I’m not sure where Chechnya is, but from the name I’m guessing it’s full of America hating, freedom overthrowing land pirates.  For crying out loud, the Chechen flag is mostly GREEN.  What kind of country has green in their flag?  There are three approved colors for any God fearing country to have in their flag.  Red.  White.  Blue.  And there better be some dog-gone stars and stripes in their too.  Green is not on the approved list.  Ever.  Christmas trees can be green.  Your eyes can be green.  You can even have a Pat Green CD in your truck.  But your country’s flag cannot be green.

So since we know that spies and secret double agents come from Chechen, you need to learn some Chechnyan.  Something like, “Hello.” and ” I know.”  I use phrases like this on janitors and cleaning ladies.  We know they’re in on it too.  So as you pass them in the hall ask for an extra towel (which you won’t use because it will be full of anthrax….always bring towels from home) and then say “I know” while staring intently into their beady little i’mgonnastealthenuclearlaunchcode eyes.

With these few helpful tips you’ll be able to enjoy your vacations and not even have to worry about being kidnapped.